hello mrmetal superfans (if any). it's blog time and with that, another mention of my current downward spiral. it's only been half a year and i feel like i reached the lowest point of my life like 3 different times. i've been talking to a therapist since march and while he says that i have made progress when it comes to dealing with my depression, i feel like lately i regressed on that said progress. a lot of stressful situations and stressful feelings once again have been piling up and i feel myself at the verge of another mental breakdown.

because of all this bs piling up again, i decided to take a bit of a break from posting art consistently. i'll be back one day of course, but i want to feel better first. i'm open about the fact that i have lived with depression for most of my life, but not really about the fact that it can get so bad sometimes i want to take my own life. how i sometimes feel so worthless that i would just rather to stop existing. it's a bad habit of mine to overthink or overreact and i don't want to keep dealing with those feelings. i know it's a heavy subject to bring up, hence why i try not to, but that's life baby!

it's not an easy situation but i promise i'll go back to semi consistent posting when i don't constantly feel like blowing my fucking brains out. i doubt anybody's actually reading this but if you are for some reason, thank you for reading. i know it isn't an easy thing to talk about, and i know this is very similar to the last life update but it's nice to see you care. and if you're worried that i'm actually gonna do it don't be. this isn't one of those posts and i feel like i am still somewhat in control enough to have that restraint.

a part of me feels like this blog is pointless, how it kinda reitterates a lot of the talking points i made last time but like 5% more depressing but i do feel like communicating my current mental health and putting it out there for posterity is important.

art means everything to me and i am still taking the necessary measures to be in a better headspace to once again enjoy what i love doing. next time i do one of these it won't be as depressing. hopefully.

hey how's it going? i feel like it's been a while so might as well talk about it for the few mrmetal™️ superfans that exist here.

long story short, about three or four months ago i fell into a deep depression. it's always been something i've struggled with most of my life but the past few months were rough. there were days i could barely summon the will to get out of bed, there were days i couldn't do anything but cry until i couldn't anymore. thankfully i'm doing a lot better now, started seeing a therapist, working out more frequently and am trying to get my life back in track. so i do apologize to the few here that genuinely love my artwork and somehow missed me.

aside from that i've just been super busy with work. whenever i wasn't bawling my eyes out i was working and working to the point where there were days i would almost pass out from exhaustion. that's just the world we live in huh? having to constantly work for scraps of money at a time.

that being said i'm still super busy and am trying to find a balance between the amounts of work i have to put in vs my downtime which is basically reserved for gaming and art, especially now that i'm considered a full time worker.

i still love art, i love creating, i love drawing; but sadly it just isn't profitable for me. i have a ridiculously small reach and the amounts of effort put in just feel like a waste with how much time and dedication gets put in. i have always wanted to create art that inspired others, much like how the stuff i loved inspired me, but the truth is that as the years pass by, saying you want to just be a full time artist is more and more unrealistic.

i've toyed with the idea of maybe setting up like a patreon or a kofi if people wanna support but idk what i can even offer as a good incentive. all my art with no watermarks or signatures are posted onto here anyway, so there's no point in paywalling those. maybe open character requests? but then i'd have to deal with the pressures of having to exceed expectations. i'm already someone who gets super frustrated if i draw something and it doesn't go how i envisioned it, how am i supposed to work with that + the pressure of having to constantly churn out artwork that pleases others?

the future is uncertain but do not take this as me quitting or whatever. the tl;dr is that things will just be infrequent for a while.

that's basically it, have a nice day/afternoon/evening. and if you read the whole thing i love you.

metal out.

well since twitter is going down the shitter, i might as well be active here again. i do still plan on posting there, but all my works from now on will be heavily watermarked as a preventative measure against ai scrapers since they're updating tos to no longer being able to opt out of being used as guinea pigs for their grok crap.

so all works will be posted here without watermarks to at least have some place to display what i do from now on. and to all my two or so fans, sorry for disappearing, it won't happen again. unless i forget again. probably.